I Guess It's Time To Die

I hate getting bills. It seems that as soon as I pay one I am getting another in the mail for the same damn thing. If it is not electric it is gas. Not cable it’s Internet. Not insurance it’s a cell bill. Everything costs anymore. (I had to pay for air the other day. Paying for air? Really?) But on the other hand of bills is all the other stuff that comes in my mailbox. I get magazines (I subscribe to over ten magazines including GQ (duh), Golf Magazine, Golf Digest, Golf Illustrated, Golf (see a trend there?) Maxim, Nintendo Power, Xbox Magazine, etc.) I also get anything from coupons to bank statements to retirement statements. And that is the kind of mail that I love getting. I like opening my mail box and seeing it so full that stuff is beginning to fall out.

But this week I received something in the mail that bothered me a little bit. I was flipping through my weekly coupons (that I never use anyway) and I noticed something on a little higher quality paper and a little more designed. I grabbed it and opened it only to be sadly disappointed and nearly depressed. However, this was a coupon of sorts. They were offering discounts on their product. They were offering a buy one get one free sale and actually stated on the advertisement that it was a way to stay away from the recession.

What I was starring at was an ad for burial plots. Discounted burial plots, mind you. And that was not the best part. (Or the worst part.) Their slogan was what got me nearly rolling on the floor laughing and aching in fear of death at the same time. (Is this a way of telling me something here God? Do I need to prepare for this?) Their slogan, right there on the front, in big bold letters, said, “Let us be the last person to let you down.”

Now, that in itself is just wrong. Not only are they admitting the fact that you are dead, as if being dead was not enough, but they are basically turning it into a word play. They are reminding you, while making one of the most depressing purchases of your lifetime, that you are in fact going to die. I mean, we all know that no matter what we do that is how this crazy ride ends, but I do not want to be reminded of it. And I sure as hell do not want you to try to be funny about it.

So apparently I am going to be dying soon. But look on the bright side, I get a second burial plot for free. So if anyone needs the space let me know.