That is One Angry Ape

So being in a third world country, surrounded by jungles and the rain forest, you get the chance to see some wild life that you might not have the chance to witness in the states.  Or at least animals outside of a zoo that is.  Here, in Nicaragua, there are snakes, lizards, monkeys, and scorpions nearly everywhere you turn.  Of course, you have wild cows, horses, and pigs as well, but those are just cute to look at when they are standing on the side of the road.  They just look so out of place sometimes.

The last time that I was in Nicaragua I had the chance to go on a sail boat trip around some islands in the city of Granada.  They are the result of one of the biggest, most active volcanoes in the world.  So as we are floating around Lake Nicaragua (clever name, huh?) it begins to pour down rain.  The rain is coming at us in all directions and all that keeps playing through my head was Forest Gump floating through the jungles of Vietnam.  We made our way under some trees to stay dry (it did not really work) and all of a sudden something jumped into the boat.  Normally I would be scared at an animal that just jumped on the boat but this one was adorable.  It was a monkey.

Long story short, the monkey hung out for a bit, let me pet it (not sure if that was a good idea in case of disease) and tried to reach for my beer a couple of times.  Then, he left like nothing had happened.  It was an awesome experience and one that I will not soon forget.  Now, I was in luck that this monkey was nice.  But what would happen if you were face to face with a monkey that wanted to eat your face instead of let you pet it’s head?  What would you do then?  Well, follow these few simple rules and you just might make it out alive.

1. Lie on the ground and play dead.

Similar to dinosaurs in years past (I have not seen a dinosaur in years) if you simply lie on the ground and play dead the monkey will tend to leave you alone.  Unlike the sharks that I touched on the other day, a monkey will think you have either fallen asleep or have died in your tracks.  (So much for their brains being similar to a human’s.  Then proceed to lay in a ball, if you can manage to think about it before the monkey attacks, and just hope that he or she (monkeys have gender too) moves on to the next meal somewhere else.

2. Protect yourself in the “important” areas.

For males, you need to protect yourself in ways that you might not think a monkey would consider attacking.  Cover your jewels, and your face if you can at the same time, and hope that the monkey knows does not get too jealous.  If you are a female, cover those precious assets while trying to keep your face covered as well.  Some of you might not think this is a big deal, but to a monkey, he or she just wants to play and those are the first thing that the monkey will go for.  (I am being serious on this.  I know it might appear to be comical but in some horror stories that I have heard and read, you do not want to risk it.

3. Pray.

Now this one might sound a little cliché, but it is pretty much all you can do if the monkey begins to attack.  A lot of folks out there seem to think that man kind has evolved from monkeys (I am not one of those people).  This is something that you have to keep in mind when being attacked.  They have the same desire to protect their surroundings as sharks and humans do, so do not risk it.  The pray part is pretty obvious, but while praying ask for the specifics.  911 being the most obvious option and scream for help while following the other two rules.  If all else fails, punch the monkey in the face and run like hell.

Will these three rules protect you from your next monkey attack; maybe.  But if you are being attacked by a monkey and have time to stop and think about said blog post, then you might have some bigger issues.  Needless to say, don’t pick a fighting with a mono (that is what they are called in Spanish) and you will be fine.  Go for the monkeys that want a sip of you beer and let you pet them in the middle of a rainstorm.  They are pretty cute, too.