Matt Rust thinks I am a beer snob... He's right!

Matt Rust thinks I am a beer snob… He’s right!

The other day Matt Rust sent me a link to an article on Thrillist titled 19 Types of Beer Snobs. Guess Matt thinks I am a beer snob… Well, he’s right! I am. I even admit that in my Twitter bio. As I was reading through this list, some of them are accurate… Others not so much. I decided to recap the article and talk about my personal connections to each type of beer snob. Enjoy!

The Self-Important Homebrewer
Will second-guess the beer he’s consuming with talk of hop varieties and bottle conditioning. Has made one decidedly mediocre pale ale from a kit he received for Christmas.

I am not a homebrewer. I’ve only brewed beer twice, and didn’t really enjoy the process. I am friends with a lot of people that do brew, but it just wasn’t for me. Sheryl and I did an IPA many moons ago, and while it was good, it was a lot of work. The process did teach me a lot, and I have a greater respect for those brewing beer for a living. But it just wasn’t something I could get behind. I rarely drink the same beer twice, and to have 5 gallons of the same beer in the fridge… It just didn’t make sense for me. I brewed a second batch with my buddy Jake, and we did an IPA clone. Again, fun… But not something I ever want to do again!

Mr. Groupthink
Incapable of telling you what he thinks of a beer until he’s scanned a representative sampling of BeerAdvocate reviews.

I use sites like RateBeer and BeerAdvocate, but more for facts on the beer, not the reviews people leave. I leave reviews on Untappd, but those are for me more than others. My buddy Allen is obsessed with reviews, and tends to only order beers that have good reviews. But for me, I am focused on my experience with the beer, not what others think of it.

Just an Asshole
Was already an insufferable snob about his car, wardrobe, and frequent trips to Europe. Beer was just the next logical step in the progression. Why yes, he did just correct your pronunciation of “Cantillon.”

I laughed when I read that. As a matter of fact, we are planning #EuroBeerTrip16 and plan to visit Brasserie Cantillon while in Belgium. I plan to set aside $500 for that day, as their bottles aren’t cheap. But hey, when in Rome! (We actually won’t be in Rome on this trip. This brewery is in Belgium!)

The Condescender
Treats anyone drinking a light beer like a toddler who just pooped himself, audible groans of disapproval included. Also the kind of person who intentionally provokes political arguments at family gatherings.

I’ve been known to drink a light beer here or there. What bothers me most is when I see someone order a Bud Light at a brewery. Why does a local craft brewery even carry domestic beer? I won’t judge you for ordering a domestic, but if craft beer is available, I might ask why you didn’t order something local.

The Master Debater You
“I tried this beer, it was pretty good.” Him: “Get ready to spend the next five minutes finding a polite exit while I harangue you about your beer preferences, even though, in reality, I think that beer is good, too.”

Oh, that is SO me! I can talk about any beer, good or bad, for as long as you want. Heck, just the other night I grabbed a can of Ska Brewing’s ESB Special Ale. It’s not a style that I am fond of, but I hadn’t had it before. It was too cold when I drank it, but I paired it with food, and it was a nice compliment to my meal. The malts in this one were overbearing, which I liked, and it finished with an subtle earthy bitterness from the hops. See… I could go on, but I won’t. You get the idea!

The Evangelist
Brings a few choice selections and a hefty supply of tasting glasses to any social gathering, just hoping to win a couple of converts. What, you weren’t planning on drinking a 15% ABV Russian imperial stout at your nephew’s Christening?

I don’t take tasting glasses with me everywhere I go, but chances are we are going to talk about beer. I do have several empty growlers in my car, though… Just in case! Oh, and a 15% ABV Russian imperial stout sounds delicious right about now.

Captain Ahab
Almost got his hands on a Pappy Van Winkle 23 Dark Lord back in 2011, and has been hunting that white whale ever since. Probably doesn’t have a peg leg, but might!

Ha! I didn’t even realize they aged Dark Lord in Pappy barrels. I’ve had several variants of Dark Lord, and it’s a great beer. The Vanilla Bean Dark Lord might be one of the best beers I’ve ever had. Great, now I want to find another bottle of this. Only 585 people have checked-in to this beer on Untappd… Who has a bottle and is willing to trade it or share it with me?

The Professor
Won’t even listen to you unless you’re AT LEAST taking Cicerone classes. But he will talk. OH, will he talk.

I became a Certified Beer Server when I was working at Total Wine & More. Not a Cicerone… Yet. Not sure it is worth doing, though. It would help me learn more about beer and the brewing process, but not sure the time and money is worth the investment since I don’t work in the industry. I would rather just continue drinking and sharing good beer with friends.

The Trader
Parlayed a Surly Darkness and an Abyss into a Chocolate Rain, which he combined with a CBS to land a barrel aged Hunahphu that’s almost impossible to find. Has yet to try any of these beers. Ask him if he’s gonna open that Hunah and he will look at you like you’re crazy. Will entertain trade offers, though.

This made me laugh. I trade, but nothing crazy… My buddy Tom, though.

I’ve had Surly Darkness. I’ve had Abyss. Heck, I’ve tried Chocolate Rain and CBS. But I’ve yet to track down the barrel aged Hunah. I’ve had the regular Hunah, but nothing barrel aged.

The Sampler
Always asks for a sample at the bar, you know, so he can make an informed decision – aka find some minute defect with it and then ask for something he already knows he likes.

Oh, that is SO me. I will ask for as many samples as you will give me. I might even ask those at the table with me to ask for samples so I can try even more beers. I love trying new things, and I never know what I want. Like right now I could go for a stout, an IPA… Heck, a nice pilsner sounds nice. See… If I were at a bar, I would need a sample, or three, to know what I want to order. FYI, Mellow Mushroom limits you to three samples. Trust me, I know!

The Fresh-Head

This makes me laugh, but I am not that picky. However, my buddy Jake always made sure that when Zombie Dust came out we got it and drank it as soon as possible. Sure, hoppy beers fade fast. But I don’t freak out about it.

The Sour Prince
Beers that cost less than $17.99 retail scare him deeply. He once put 35 Warheads in his mouth at once, and finished them all without so much as a sip of water. People unfamiliar with yeast strains universally assume his best friend is named “Brett.”

Ha! Sour beers are a new trend in craft beer, and in my opinion, will become the next “IPA.” My buddy Tim introduced me to Brett beers, which are beers brewed with Brettanomyces. They have a very unique aroma, and flavor, and will take your palate potentially years to acquire a taste for. Once upon a time I hate Brett beers. Now… I love them! You are starting to see Brett used more and more in other styles, too.

The IBU Freak
He once drank an entire bottle of bitters thinking it was a small flavored soda because he had his glasses off, and didn’t notice. Tim Allen is not-so-secretly his favorite television personality.

I do love hoppy beers, but just because the beer has a high IBU (international bittering units) doesn’t mean that it is bitter. For example, the Lagunitas Hop Stoopid has an IBU over 100, but it is extremely malty. Go figure.

Release Party Guy
He’s got his tickets, he’s got a sleeping bag, and he’s got the respect of three people, who are the three people directly behind him in line. Couldn’t tell you what any of the beers he’s tried in the last year taste like, because he only had one of each, because you gotta do the rounds, man. Nobody is certain how he gets home.

I am not this guy, but I know a lot of people that are like this. Events like Dark Lord Day and the annual release of Pliny the Younger bring these guys out of the woodwork. I’ve been lucky enough to try some of these limited release beers, and while most of them are good, they aren’t worth the effort. I mean, for Dark Lord Day, even when we lived in Indiana, the weather is always bad, and you aren’t even guaranteed rare bottles. That is changing this year, but the tickets are $200!

The Barrel-Aged Devotee
In honor of the woodworking craftsmen, she named her child Cooper, even though that’s the name of the silly Manning brother nobody likes. Also she’s pretty broke.

Barrel aging beers is more popular than ever, and most taste amazing. But just because a beer was aged in a barrel doesn’t make it better. I will say a lot of these barrel aged beers are higher in ABV, are dark, and malty. I’ve seen a lot of breweries aging beers in tequila barrels and in rum barrels. Some of the best barrel aged beers I’ve had come from The Bruery. But again, just because it touched a barrel doesn’t mean it’s better.

The Glassware Obsessive
Wait, did you seriously just pour a Vienna-style lager into a domestic barrel-aged breakfast stout glass? YOU KNOW HE CAN SEE YOU!!!!

Ha! Dakine, are you reading this?! My buddy Dakine has a glass for pretty much every beer. I’ve never been that into glassware. I have a few “favorite” glasses, but Dakine took glassware to another level. He did post on Facebook recently about selling some of his glassware. Not sure why or if he changed his mind, but nothing beats a small 4 ounce tasting glass for me. That, and I hate the fear of breaking my favorite glass!

The Complete 180
Three months ago, she exclusively drank 16oz cans of domestic light beer, shotgunning two-thirds of them. Last week, she booked a two-week trip to Vermont, by herself.

Nope, that is’t me. BUT I am always looking to flip people from domestic beers to craft beer. I say this having consumed 3 cans of Coors Light over the weekend. Don’t judge or I will call YOU a beer snob!

The Brewery Fanboy
He wears a Three Floyds hoodie when he buys his Heady Topper, wears a Heady Topper ballcap when he drinks his Pliny, and wears a Pliny T-shirt when he goes to Dark Lord Day. He owns a matching Arrogant Bastard biking jersey and socks, but not a bike.

I’m not a fanboy, but there are a few breweries that I like more than others. For example, Scottsdale Beer Company is making some great beer right now. I like most of the beers Fate Brewing Co. is making, too. Arizona Wilderness Brewing Co. isn’t bad. But I am not going to obsess over having their logos on my hat or my shirt. Heck, I am not even sure if I have any local brewery merchandise. Steve, I need a Fate hat!

The One-Upper
Oh, you’ve got a good beer? That’s great, his is better. God, it’s so much better. The nice part though? He will refuse to drink yours because it’s not good enough, and will give you half of his just to prove that he’s just the best at beer. So basically, keep this guy around.

Gabe, here’s looking at you, kid! I just want to try new beers and am obsessed with not drinking the same beers twice. But there are guys out there that will do whatever they can to have a whale on hand and will always try to show off at beer tastings. That’s not me.

I am glad that Matt sent me this list… That was fun. It was fun to see where I fit, and if I didn’t, I knew someone that did! This makes me want a beer. Cheers!